A Hyde Park Larrikin

You may have heard of Proclus, sir,

If you have been a reader;

And you may know a bit of her

Who helped the Lycian leader.

I have my doubts — the head you “sport”

( Now mark me, do n't get crusty )

Is hardly of the classic sort —

Your lore, I think, is fusty.

Most likely you have stuck to tracts

Flushed through with flaming curses —

I judge you, neighbour, by your acts —

So do n't you d —— n my verses.

But to my theme. The Asian sage,

Whose name above I mention,

Lived in the pitchy Pagan age,

A life without pretension.

He may have worshipped gods like Zeus,

And termed old Dis a master;

But then he had a strong excuse —

He never heard a pastor.

However, it occurs to me

That, had he cut Demeter

And followed you, or followed me,

He would n't have been sweeter.

No doubt with “shepherds” of this time

He's not the “clean potato”,

Because — excuse me for my rhyme —

He pinned his faith to Plato.

But these are facts you can n't deny,

My pastor, smudged and sooty,

His mind was like a summer sky —

He lived a life of beauty —

To lift his brothers’ thoughts above

This earth he used to labour:

His heart was luminous with love —

He did n't wound his neighbour.

To him all men were just the same —

He never foamed at altars,

Although he lived ere Moody came —

Ere Sankey dealt in psalters.

The Lycian sage, my “reverend” sir,

Had not your chances ample;

But, after all, I must prefer

His perfect, pure example.

You, having read the Holy Writ —

The Book the angels foster —

Say have you helped us on a bit,

You overfed impostor?

What have you done to edify,

You clammy chapel tinker?

What act like his of days gone by —

The grand old Asian thinker?

Is there no deed of yours at all

With beauty shining through it?

Ah, no! your heart reveals its gall

On every side I view it.

A blatant bigot with a big

Fat heavy fetid carcass,

You well become your greasy “rig” —

You're not a second Arcas.

What sort of “gospel” do you preach?

What “Bible” is your Bible?

There's worse than wormwood in your speech,

You livid, living libel!

How many lives are growing gray

Through your depraved behaviour!

I tell you plainly — every day

You crucify the Saviour!

Some evil spirit curses you —

Your actions never vary:

You cannot point your finger to

One fact to the contrary.

You seem to have a wicked joy

In your malicious labour,

Endeavouring daily to destroy

The neighbour's love for neighbour.

The brutal curses you eject

Make strong men dread to hear you.

The world outside your petty sect

Feels sick when it is near you.

No man who shuns that little hole

You call your tabernacle

Can have, you shriek, a ransomed soul —

He wears the devil's shackle.

And, hence the “Papist” by your clan

Is dogged with words inhuman,

Because he loves that friend of man

The highest type of woman —

Because he has that faith which sees

Before the high Creator

A Virgin pleading on her knees —

A shining Mediator!

God help the souls who grope in night —

Who in your ways have trusted!

I've said enough! the more I write,

The more I feel disgusted.

The warm, soft air is tainted through

With your pernicious leaven.

I would not live one hour with you

In your peculiar heaven!

Now mount your musty pulpit — thump,

And muddle flat clodhoppers;

And let some long-eared booby “hump”

The plate about for coppers.

At priest and parson spit and bark,

And shake your “church” with curses,

You bitter blackguard of the dark —

With this I close my verses.