A Letter To Dr Helsham

SIR,

  Pray discruciate what follows.

The dullest beast, and gentleman's liquor,

When young is often due to the vicar,[1]

The dullest of beasts, and swine's delight,

Make up a bird very swift of flight.[2]

The dullest beast, when high in stature,

And another of royal nature,

For breeding is a useful creature.[3]

The dullest beast, and a party distress'd,

When too long, is bad at best.[4]

The dullest beast, and the saddle it wears,

Is good for partridge, not for hares.[5]

The dullest beast, and kind voice of a cat,

Will make a horse go, though he be not fat.[6]

The dullest of beasts and of birds in the air,

Is that by which all Irishmen swear.[7]

The dullest beast, and famed college for Teagues,

Is a person very unfit for intrigues.[8]

The dullest beast, and a cobbler's tool,

With a boy that is only fit for school,

In summer is very pleasant and cool.[9]

The dullest beast, and that which you kiss,

May break a limb of master or miss.[10]

Of serpent kind, and what at distance kills,

Poor mistress Dingley oft hath felt its bills.[11]

The dullest beast, and eggs unsound,

Without it I rather would walk on the ground.[12]

The dullest beast, and what covers a house,

Without it a writer is not worth a louse.[13]

The dullest beast, and scandalous vermin,

Of roast or boil'd, to the hungry is charming.[14]

The dullest beast, and what's cover'd with crust,

There's nobody but a fool that would trust.[15]

The dullest beast, and mending highways,

Is to a horse an evil disease.[16]

The dullest beast, and a hole in the ground,

Will dress a dinner worth five pound.[17]

The dullest beast, and what doctors pretend,

The cook-maid often has by the end.[18]

The dullest beast, and fish for lent,

May give you a blow you'll for ever repent.[19]

The dullest beast, and a shameful jeer,

Without it a lady should never appear.[20]

Wednesday Night.

I writ all these before I went to bed. Pray explain them for me, because

I cannot do it.

[Footnote 1: A swine.]

[Footnote 2: A swallow.]

[Footnote 3: A stallion.]

[Footnote 4: A sail.]

[Footnote 5: A spaniel.]

[Footnote 6: A spur.]

[Footnote 7: A soul.]

[Footnote 8: A sloven.]

[Footnote 9: A sallad.]

[Footnote 10: A slip.]

[Footnote 11: A sparrow.]

[Footnote 12: A saddle.]

[Footnote 13: A style.]

[Footnote 14: A slice.]

[Footnote 15: A spy.]

[Footnote 16: A spavin.]

[Footnote 17: A spit.]

[Footnote 18: A skewer.]

[Footnote 19: Assault.]

[Footnote 20: A smock.]