A Muff

I wanted a muff

On an up-to-date scale,

Of some soft fluffy stuff,

With a head and a tail;

So simple and innocent-hearted

I started to go to a sale.

My muscles are tough,

I'm not sickly or pale;

But that shop was enough

To make ‘Hercules’ quail.

The ladies were snatching and gripping,

Each using her arm like a flail.

My passage was rough

And as slow as a snail.

In attempting to luff

I was pinned to a bale,

And asked "to mind where I was pushing”

By a frowsy and frenzied female.

They ruined my ruff

And twitched off my veil;

The shopman was bluff

When I told him my tale,

And I vowed the next time I played

football

I would wear a costume of chain mail.

I went home in a huff,

Looking feeble and frail,

Still minus a muff

With a head and a tail

But my brother politely informed me

I

was

one, to go to a sale.