Albert And The 'Eadsman

On young Albert Ramsbottom's birthday

His parents asked what he'd like most;

He said to see t' Tower of London

And gaze upon Anne Boleyn's ghost.

They thowt this request were unusual

And at first to refuse were inclined,

'Til Pa said a trip t' metrollopse

Might broaden the little lad's mind.

They took charrybank up to London

And got there at quarter to fower,

Then seeing as pubs wasn't open

They went straight away to the tower.

They didn't think much to the buildin'

'T weren't what they'd been led to suppose,

And the 'Bad Word' Tower didn't impress them,

They said Blackpool had got one of those.

At last Albert found a Beefeater

And filled the old chap with alarm.

By asking for Ghost of Anne Boleyn

As carried her 'ead 'neath her arm.

Said Beefeater 'You ought to come Fridays

If it's ghost of Anne Boleyn you seek,

Her union now limits her output

And she only gets one walk a week.

'But,' he said, 'if it's ghosts that you're after,

There's Lady Jane Grey's to be seen,

She runs around chased by the 'Eadsman

At midnight on th' old Tower Green.'

They waited on t' green till near midnight,

Then thinking they'd time for a sup,

They took out what food they'd brought with them

And waited for t' ghost to turn up.

On the first stroke of twelve, up jumped Albert,

His mouth full of cold, dripping toast,

With his stick with the 'orses 'ead 'andle

He pointed, and said 'Here's the ghost!'

They felt their skins going all goosey

As Lady Jane's Spectre drew near

And Albert fair swallered his tonsils

When the 'Eadsman an' all did appear.

The 'Eadsman chased Jane round the grass patch

They saw his axe flash in the moon

And seeing as poor lass were 'eadless

They wondered what what next he would prune.

He suddenly caught sight of Albert

As midnight was on its last chime

As he lifted his axe, father murmered

'We'll get the insurance this time.'

At that, Mother rose, taking umbridge;

She said, 'Put that cleaver away.

You're not cutting our Albert's 'ead off,

Yon collar were clean on today.

The brave little lad stood undaunted

'Til the ghost were within half a pace.

Then taking the toast he were eating,

Slapped it, dripping side down, in his face.

'T were a proper set-back for the 'Eadsman

He let out one 'owl of despair,

Then taking his ladyfriend with him

He disappeared - just like that, there.

When Pa saw the way as they vanished

He trembled with fear and looked blue,

'Til Ma went and patted his shoulder

An' said, 'Sallright lad, we saw it too.'

Some say 'twere the drippin' as done it,

From a roast leg of mutton it came,

And as th' 'Eadsman had been a Beefeater

They reckon he vanished from shame.

And around Tower Green, from that moment,

They've ne're seen a sign of the ghost,

But when t' Beefeaters go on night duty,

They take slices of cold drippin' toast.