Albert's Return

You've `eard `ow young Albert Ramsbottom

At the zoo up at Blackpool one year

With a stick with an `orse's `ead `andle

Gave a lion a poke in the ear?

The name of the lion was Wallace,

The poke in the ear made `im wild

And before you could say "Bob's yer uncle"

E'd upped and `e'd swallowed the child.

`E were sorry the moment `e done it;

With children `e'd always been chums,

And besides, `e'd no teeth in his muzzle,

And `e couldn't chew Albert on't gums.

`E could feel the lad movin' inside `im

As `e lay on `is bed of dried ferns;

And it might `ave been little lad's birthday-

E wished `im such `appy returns.

But Albert kept kickin' and fightin'-

And Wallace got up, feelin' bad.

Decided 'twere time that `e started

To stage a comeback for the lad.

Then puttin' `ead down in one corner,

On `is front paws `e started to walk;

And `e coughed, and `e sneezed, and `e gargled

`Till Albert shot out - like a cork!

Now Wallace felt better directly

And `is figure once more became lean.

But the only difference with Albert Was,

`is face and `is `ands were quite clean.

Meanwhile Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom

`Ad gone back to their tea, feelin' blue.

Ma said, "I feel down in the mouth, like.

" Pa said, "Aye, I bet Albert does, too."

Said Mother, "It just goes to show yer

That the future is never revealed;

If I'd thowt we was goin' to lose `im,

I'd `ave not `ad `is boots soled and `eeled."

"Let's look on the bright side," said Father,

"Wot can't be `elped must be endured;

Each cloud `as a silvery lining,

And we did `ave young Albert insured."

A knock on the door came that moment

As Father these kind words did speak.

`Twas the man from Prudential - `e'd come for

Their tuppence per person per week.

When Father saw `oo `ad been knockin',

`E laughed, and `e kept laughin` so -

The man said "`Ere, wot's there to laugh at?"

Pa said "You'll laugh and all when you know!"

"Excuse `im for laughing," said Mother,

"But really, things `appen so strange -

Our Albert's been et by a lion;

You've got to pay us for a change!"

Said the young man from the Prudential:

"Now, come, come, let's understand this-

You don't mean to say that you've lost `im?"

Pa said "Oh, no, we know where `e is!"

When the young man `ad `eard all the details,

A purse from `is pocket he drew

And `e paid them with interest and bonus

The sum of nine pounds, four and two.

Pa `ad scarce got `is `and on the money

When a face at the window they see-

And Mother cried "Eee, look, it's Albert!"

And Father said "Aye, it would be."

Albert came in all excited,

And started `is story to give;

And Pa said "I'll never trust lions

Again, not as long as I live."

The young man from the Prudential

To pick up the money began

But Father said "`ere, wait a moment,

Don't be in a `urry, young man."

Then giving young Albert a shilling,

`E said "`Ere, pop off back to the zoo;

Get your stick with the `orse's `ead `andle-

Go and see wot the tigers can do!"

This is the follow up to Egar's famous poem http://oldpoetry.com/opoem/show/7686-Marriott-Edgar-The-Lion-and-Albert written the previous year.For more of the same try putting Albert into our search box above or clicking on the word monlogue on the categories section on the right.