BILLY BIRD'S CELEBRATION

Billy Bird was know'd as a bar-room bum;

Be'n a trader out on th’ plains;

Be'n a timber rafter, a fourth-ward grafter,

Had n't no conshunce, had n't no brains;

But was well perserv'd in Rum.

He hailed frum Mi-sou-ri‘ r Michi-gan;

Was cook in a lumber camp;

Run a Wild West show, then turn'd hobo,

Was an all-roun’ fu'st class tramp;—

‘ N y’ could n't call him a “man.”

He'd b'en kicked an’ cussed like a mongrel pup,

An’ a cock-fight was his creed;

An’ eye out o’ joint was another bad point,

But with th’ one left he see'd

Far enough t’ hit th’ cup!

He'd th’ wanderin’ itch in his lazy heels

( With th’ luck that comes t’ sich );

F'r one day, dead drunk, that mis'ble skunk

Struck a vein that made him rich.

Y’ sh'd hear Billy Bird's squeals:—

“I'm richer'n Creesus!” ( this he howled );

“I've th’ biggest strike aroun’;

I'm a reg'lar gent!” ( Here his bre'th was spent

An’ he tumbles upon th’ groun’ );

B’ his luck Billy Bird got fouled.

Clumb up on a kag t’ make a speech.

Says he: “I'm th’ Turrible Turk!

I'm a millionaire, an’ I'll curl th’ hair

Of th’ man says I need work!

Me? I'm a rainbow out of reach!

“I'm off t’ Noo York t’ get int’ th’ swirl;

Tip them waiters ten-dollar bills;

I'm a millionaire! Do n't I wear th’ air

That goes with th’ pace that kills?

An’ I'm goin’ t’ pick my Girl!

“I'll buy her di'mon' s t’ blaze her front,

An’ th’ best champagne we'll spill;

An’ I'll murder th’ man as says what he can

See I ai n't no gent! Me, Bill!

An’ I tell y’ that's MY stunt!

“I'll buy a floor in th’ big ho-tel;

I'll dazzle th’ chamber-maids;

Fifth Avenoo style in my auto-mo-bile

I'll speed her up with my jades;

I'll show‘ em a Yukon swell!

“I'll dine on snakes fried in burnin’ oil,

An’ dance till th’ cows come home;

As an aftermath take a champagne bath

An’ shampoo with a curry-comb;

All done up accordin’ t’ Hoyle.

“Then I'll hike t’ bed with a great, big, head,—

Yellin':‘ CALL WHEN THE CLOCK HITS FOUR!’

An’ I'll wait with a grin till th’‘ call’ comes in,

An’ Brass Buttons knocks at th’ door,

An’ he thinks I'm sleepin’ dead!

“Brass buttons‘ tap, tap, tap’ on th’ door:—

‘ Millionaire, it is four A. M.!’

An’ I'll bust that door with a Yukon roar:

Howlin:‘ Say! d'ye know WHO I AM?’

An’ I'll rouse‘ em on every floor!

“W'en th’ house comes runnin’ up I'll yell:—

‘ WOW! I'm a millionaire!

I DON'T HEV’ T’ GET UP, y’ blankety Pup!’

An’ the'r eyes stickin’ out‘ ll stare,

While I send‘ em plumb t’ h —— ll!”