Goalkeeper Joe

Joe Dunn were a bobby for football

He gave all his time to that sport,

He played for the West Wigan Whippets,

On days when they turned out one short.

He’d been member of club for three seasons

And had grumbled again and again,

Cos he found only time that they’d used him,

Were when it were pouring with rain!

He felt as his talents were wasted

When each week his job seemed to be

No but minding the clothes for the others

And chucking clods at referee!

So next time selection committee

Came round to ask him for his sub

He told them if they didn’t play him,

He’d transfer to some other club.

Committee they coaxed and cudgelled him

But found he’d have none of their shifts

So they promised to play him next weekend

In match against Todmorden Swifts.

This match were the plum of the season

An annual fixture it stood,

‘T were reckoned as good as a cup tie

By them as liked plenty of blood!

The day of the match dawned in splendour

A beautiful morning it were

With a fog drifting up from the brick fields

And a drizzle of rain in the air.

The Whippets made Joe their goalkeeper

A thing as weren’t wanted at all

For they knew once battle had started

They’d have no time to mess with the ball!

Joe stood by the goal posts and shivered

While the fog round his legs seemed to creep

'Til feeling neglected and lonely

He leant back and went fast asleep.

He dreamt he were playing at Wembley

And t’roar of a thundering cheer

He were kicking a goal for the Whippets

When he woke with a clout in his ear!

He found 'twere the ball that had struck him

And inside the net there it lay

But as no one had seen this ‘ere ‘appen

He punted it back into play!

'Twere the first ball he’d punted in anger

His feelings he couldn’t restrain

Forgetting as he were goalkeeper

He ran out and kicked it again!

Then after the ball like a rabbit

He rushed down the field full of pride

He reckoned if nobody stopped him

Then ‘appen he’d score for his side.

‘Alf way down he bumped into his captain

Who weren’t going to let him go by

But Joe, like Horatio Nelson

Put a fist to the Captain’s blind eye!

On he went 'til the goal lay before him

Then stopping to get himself set

He steadied the ball, and then kicked it

And landed it right in the net!

The fog seemed to lift at that moment

And all eyes were turned on the lad

The Whippets seemed kind of dumbfounded

While the Swifts started cheering like mad!

'Twere his own goal as he’d kicked the ball through

He’d scored for his foes ‘gainst his friends

For he’d slept through the referee’s whistle

And at half time he hadn’t changed ends!

Joe was transferred from the West Wigan Whippets

To the Todmorden Swifts, where you’ll see

Still minding the clothes for the others

And chucking clods at referee!