Have you a pain all down your back...

Have you a pain all down your back?

A feeling of intense prostration?

Are you anaemic, for the lack

Of proper circulation?

With bloodshot eye and hand unsteady?

Pray send at once for Mrs. Eddy.

The Saint and Prophetess is she

Of what is known as Christian Science;

And you can lean on Mrs. E.

With absolute reliance;

For she will shortly make it plain

That there is no such thing as pain.

The varied ailments on your list

Which cause you such extreme vexation

Are nothing more, she will insist,

Than mere imagination.

‘ Tis so with illness or disease;

Nothing exists... except her fees!

A friend of mine had not been taught

This doctrine, I regret to say.

He fell downstairs, or so he thought,

And broke his neck, one day.

Had Mrs. Eddy come along,

She could have shown him he was wrong.

She could have told him ( or his wraith )

That stairs and necks have no existence,

That persons with sufficient faith

Can fall from any distance,

And that he was n't in the least

What local papers called “deceased.”

Of ills to which the flesh is heir

She is decidedly disdainful;

But once, or so her friends declare,

Her teeth became so painful

That, tho’ she knew they could n't be,

She had them taken out, to see.

Afflictions of the lame or halt,

Which other people view with terror,

To her denote some moral fault,

Some form of mental error.

While doctors probe or amputate,

She simply heals you while you wait.

My brother, whom you may have seen,

Possessed a limp, a very slight one;

His leg, the left, had always been

Much shorter than the right one;

But Mrs. Eddy came his way,

And... well, just look at him to-day!

At healing she had grown so deft

That when she finished with my brother,

His crippled leg, I mean the left,

Was longer than the other!

And now he's praying, day and night,

For faith to lengthen out the right.

So let it be our chief concern

To set diseases at defiance,

Contriving, as the truths we learn

Of so-called Christian Science,

To live from illnesses exempt,—

Or else to die in the attempt!