"MOMMY, I'M SCARED!"

Mommy, I'm scared

We've talked about this before

briefly, but I was still being straight

to the point that worries you more

Mommy, I'm still scared

I still can't tell the difference

between a monster and a real man

but they say I should take the chance

I can see your disappointment

'though it remains unspoken

I bet you're tired of their questions

about me they consider stubborn

and just plain ignorant

I don't expect them to understand

'though I wish they'd keep quiet more often

and just listen

before passing me any judgment

as if they had the entitlement

Mommy, I'm scared

I know what you want from me

all you hope that I'll be

but it's not that easy

I have seen reality

so dark, love feels like fantasy

I know you want me to be happy

but hey, single doesn't always mean I'm lonely

I'm afraid of so many things

Mommy, I'm not kidding

You've heard bits about the last one

and no, I'm not repeating the same damn thing

many thanks to guys like him

I'm not a rest-stop

or some past-time tale for his future hook-ups

Thank God, I've never let him get that far

His selfish, shady ways will never make him my shining star

I don't fear the possibility of marriage

but they say every outspoken wife is a bitch

How come?

What about husbands who keep treating their wives like shit?

Those who turn their women into merely emotional and physical punching bags?

I don't want a husband

who'll turn me into someone unpleasant

I don't want them to only preach

about how I should be more patient

with him

as they turn their backs on me,

feigning ignorance

giving into this sickening, Culture of Silence

I don't want the father of my children

to hurt our boys so badly

by calling them faggots and cry-babies

only because they too shed their tears

which is always considered weak and "girly"

I don't want him to hurt our girls

by treating them like mere objects

locking them, limiting their steps

refusing to let them decide their own fates

I'm so sorry, Mommy

I can face any god-forsaken street thugs bravely

but I don't just open my heart to any guy out there, you see?

That would be another story

I'm still scared

Too bad

I'm also too much of a coward

because I can't say all of this to your face

I'm still fighting this fear

even when I'm all alone here

Perhaps someday I'll banish this successfully

In the meantime,

just bear with me

and believe that I'll be okay,

Mommy...

I'm sorry...

R.