PRELUDE

I have no knowledge of disease,

No notion what ill-health may be,

Since Housemaid's Throat and Smoker's Knees

Mean something different to me

To what they do to other folk.

( This is, I vow, no vulgar joke. )

Of course, when young, I had complaints,

And little childish accidents;

For twice I ate a box of paints,

And once I swallowed eighteen pence.

( N. B., I missed the paints a lot,

But got the coins back on the spot. )

But no practitioner has seen

My tongue since then, down to the present,

And I, alas! have never been

An interesting convalescent.

Ah! why am I alone denied

The Humour of a weak inside?

Why is it? I will tell you why;

A certain mixture is to blame.

One day for fun I chanced to try

A bottle of — what is the name?

That thing they advertise a lot,—

( Oh, what a memory I've got! )

It's stuff you must, of course, have seen,

Retailed in bottles, tins, or pots,

In cakes or little pills, I mean —

( Oh goodness me! I've bought such lots,

That I am really much to blame

For not remembering the name! )

Still, let me recommend a keg

( With maker's name, be sure, above it ),

‘ Tis sweeter than a new-mown egg,

And village idiots simply love it;

Old persons sit and scream for it,—

I do so hope you'll try a bit!

So efficacious is this stuff,

Its virtue and its strength are such,

One single bottle is enough,—

In fact, at times,‘ tis far too much.

( The patient dies in frightful pain,

Or else survives, and tries again. )

An aunt of mine felt anyhow,

All kind-of-odd, and gone-to-bits,

Had freckles badly too; but now

She does n't have a thing but fits.

She's just as strong as any horse,—

Tho’ still an invalid, of course.

I had an uncle, too, that way,

His health was in a dreadful plight;

Would often spend a sleepless day,

And lie unconscious half the night.

He took two bottles, large and small,

And now — he has no health at all!

The Moral plainly bids you buy

This stuff, whose name I have forgotten;

You wo n't regret it, if you try —

( My memory is simply rotten! )

My funds will profit, in addition,

Since I enjoy a small commission!