The Fable Of Midas

Midas, we are in story told,

Turn'd every thing he touch'd to gold:

He chipp'd his bread; the pieces round

Glitter'd like spangles on the ground:

A codling, ere it went his lip in,

Would straight become a golden pippin.

He call'd for drink; you saw him sup

Potable gold in golden cup:

His empty paunch that he might fill,

He suck'd his victuals thro' a quill.

Untouch'd it pass'd between his grinders,

Or't had been happy for gold-finders:

He cock'd his hat, you would have said

Mambrino's helm adorn'd his head;

Whene'er he chanced his hands to lay

On magazines of corn or hay,

Gold ready coin'd appear'd instead

Of paltry provender and bread;

Hence, we are by wise farmers told

Old hay is equal to old gold:

And hence a critic deep maintains

We learn'd to weigh our gold by grains.

  This fool had got a lucky hit;

And people fancied he had wit,

Two gods their skill in music tried

And both chose Midas to decide:

He against Ph[oelig]bus' harp decreed,

And gave it for Pan's oaten reed:

The god of wit, to show his grudge,

Clapt asses' ears upon the judge,

A goodly pair, erect and wide,

Which he could neither gild nor hide.

  And now the virtue of his hands

Was lost among Pactolus' sands,

Against whose torrent while he swims

The golden scurf peels off his limbs:

Fame spreads the news, and people travel

From far, to gather golden gravel;

Midas, exposed to all their jeers,

Had lost his art, and kept his ears.

  This tale inclines the gentle reader

To think upon a certain leader;

To whom, from Midas down, descends

That virtue in the fingers' ends.

What else by perquisites are meant,

By pensions, bribes, and three per cent.?

By places and commissions sold,

And turning dung itself to gold?

By starving in the midst of store,

As t'other Midas did before?

  None e'er did modern Midas chuse

Subject or patron of his muse,

But found him thus their merit scan,

That Phoebus must give place to Pan:

He values not the poet's praise,

Nor will exchange his plums  for bays.

To Pan alone rich misers call;

And there's the jest, for Pan is ALL.

Here English wits will be to seek,

Howe'er, 'tis all one in the Greek.

  Besides, it plainly now appears

Our Midas, too, has ass's ears:

Where every fool his mouth applies,

And whispers in a thousand lies;

Such gross delusions could not pass

Thro' any ears but of an ass.

  But gold defiles with frequent touch,

There's nothing fouls the hand so much;

And scholars give it for the cause

Of British Midas' dirty paws;

Which, while the senate strove to scour,

They wash'd away the chemic power.

While he his utmost strength applied,

To swim against this popular tide,

The golden spoils flew off apace,

Here fell a pension, there a place:

The torrent merciless imbibes

Commissions, perquisites, and bribes,

By their own weight sunk to the bottom;

Much good may't do 'em that have caught 'em!

And Midas now neglected stands,

With ass's ears, and dirty hands.