The Matrimonial Stakes

I wooed her with a steeplechase, I won her with a fall,

I made her heartstrings quiver on the flat

When the pony missed his take-off, and we crashed into the wall;

Well, she simply had to have me after that!

It awoke a thrill of interest when they pulled me out for dead

From beneath the shattered ruins of a horse;

And, although she looked indifferent when I landed — on my head —

In the water, it appealed to her, of course!

When I won the Flappers’ Flat-race it was “all Sir Garneo”,

For she praised the way I made my final run.

And she thought the riding did it — for how could the poor girl know

That a monkey could have ridden it and won!

Then they “weighed me in” a winner — it's not often that occurs!

So I did n't let my golden chances slip,

For I showed her all the blood-marks where I jabbed him with the spurs,

And the whip-strokes where I hit him with the whip.

Then I asked her if she loved me, and she seemed inclined to shirk

For a moment, so I took her by the head

( So to speak ) and rushed her at it; and she seemed to like the work

When she kissed me, though she blushed a rosy red.

She's a mouth as soft as velvet, and she plenty has of heart;

I could worship every little step she takes;

And the saddling-bell is ringing, so we're going to the start,

Certain winners, for the Matrimonial Stakes!