The Song of Right and Wrong

Feast on wine or fast on water

              And your honour shall stand sure,

              God Almighty's son and daughter

              He the valiant, she the pure;

              If an angel out of heaven

              Brings you other things to drink,

              Thank him for his kind attentions,

              Go and pour them down the sink.

              Tea is like the East he grows in,

              A great yellow Mandarin

              With urbanity of manner

              And unconsciousness of sin;

              All the women, like a harem,

              At his pig-tail troop along;

              And, like all the East he grows in,

              He is Poison when he's strong.

              Tea, although an Oriental,

              Is a gentleman at least;

              Cocoa is a cad and coward,

              Cocoa is a vulgar beast,

              Cocoa is a dull, disloyal,

              Lying, crawling cad and clown,

              And may very well be grateful

              To the fool that takes him down.

              As for all the windy waters,

              They were rained like tempests down

              When good drink had been dishonoured

              By the tipplers of the town;

              When red wine had brought red ruin

              And the death-dance of our times,

              Heaven sent us Soda Water

              As a torment for our crimes.