"Violet Beauregarde"

"Dear friends, we surely all agree

There's almost nothing worse to see

Than some repulsive little bum

Who's always chewing chewing gum.

(It's very near as bad as those

Who sit around and pick the nose).

So please believe us when we say

That chewing gum will never pay;

This sticky habit's bound to send

The chewer to a sticky end.

Did any of you ever know

A person called Miss Bigelow?

This dreadful woman saw no wrong

In chewing, chewing all day long.

She chewed while bathing in the tub,

She chewed while dancing at her club,

She chewed in church and on the bus;

It really was quite ludicrous!

And when she couldn't find her gum,

She'd chew up the linoleum,

Or anything that happened near–

A pair of boots, the postman's ear,

Or other people's underclothes,

And once she chewed her boy friend's nose.

She went on chewing till, at last,

Her chewing muscles grew so vast

That from her face her giant chin

Stuck out just like a violin.

For years and years she chewed away,

Consuming fifty packs a day,

Until one summer's eve, alas,

A horrid business came to pass.

Miss Bigelow went late to bed,

For half an hour she lay and read,

Chewing and chewing all the while

Like some great clockwork crocodile.

At last, she put her gum away

Upon a special little tray,

And settled back and went to sleep–

(She managed this by counting sheep).

But now, how strange! Although she slept,

Those massive jaws of hers still kept

On chewing, chewing through the night,

Even with nothing there to bite.

They were, you see, in such a groove

They positively had to move.

And very grim it was to hear

In pitchy darkness, loud and clear,

This sleeping woman's great big trap

Opening and shutting, snap–snap–snap!

Faster and faster, chop–chop–chop,

The noise went on, it wouldn't stop.

Until at last her jaws decide

To pause and open extra wide,

And with the most tremendous chew

They bit the lady's tongue in two.

Thereafter, just from chewing gum,

Miss Bigelow was always dumb,

And spent her life shut up in some

Disgusting sanatorium.

And that is why we'll try so hard

To save Miss Violet Beauregard

From suffering an equal fate.

She's still quite young. It's not too late,

Provided she survives the cure.

We hope she does. We can't be sure."

(from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)