"MOMMY, I'M SCARED!"
Mommy, I'm scared
We've talked about this before
briefly, but I was still being straight
to the point that worries you more
Mommy, I'm still scared
I still can't tell the difference
between a monster and a real man
but they say I should take the chance
I can see your disappointment
'though it remains unspoken
I bet you're tired of their questions
about me they consider stubborn
and just plain ignorant
I don't expect them to understand
'though I wish they'd keep quiet more often
and just listen
before passing me any judgment
as if they had the entitlement
Mommy, I'm scared
I know what you want from me
all you hope that I'll be
but it's not that easy
I have seen reality
so dark, love feels like fantasy
I know you want me to be happy
but hey, single doesn't always mean I'm lonely
I'm afraid of so many things
Mommy, I'm not kidding
You've heard bits about the last one
and no, I'm not repeating the same damn thing
many thanks to guys like him
I'm not a rest-stop
or some past-time tale for his future hook-ups
Thank God, I've never let him get that far
His selfish, shady ways will never make him my shining star
I don't fear the possibility of marriage
but they say every outspoken wife is a bitch
How come?
What about husbands who keep treating their wives like shit?
Those who turn their women into merely emotional and physical punching bags?
I don't want a husband
who'll turn me into someone unpleasant
I don't want them to only preach
about how I should be more patient
with him
as they turn their backs on me,
feigning ignorance
giving into this sickening, Culture of Silence
I don't want the father of my children
to hurt our boys so badly
by calling them faggots and cry-babies
only because they too shed their tears
which is always considered weak and "girly"
I don't want him to hurt our girls
by treating them like mere objects
locking them, limiting their steps
refusing to let them decide their own fates
I'm so sorry, Mommy
I can face any god-forsaken street thugs bravely
but I don't just open my heart to any guy out there, you see?
That would be another story
I'm still scared
Too bad
I'm also too much of a coward
because I can't say all of this to your face
I'm still fighting this fear
even when I'm all alone here
Perhaps someday I'll banish this successfully
In the meantime,
just bear with me
and believe that I'll be okay,
Mommy...
I'm sorry...
R.
